january 15. a bright & sunshiny day.

•January 15, 2012 • Leave a Comment

So a funny thing happened the other day.

A lot of these early blog posts have been depressing. I’m not apologizing – it’s stuff I absolutely needed to get off my chest – but I understand it might not be the most pleasant thing to read. But I promise, today’s a different post.

I woke up the day after writing that last post… and I just felt different. I felt lighter, I felt more at ease – even though I woke up with a cold.

I think I have kept those last two posts – about my family and old friends – bottled up inside me for so long, without really talking to anyone in detail about it, that it had just become overwhelming. And then I got it all out, uncensored and unfettered and it felt AMAZING.

Seriously – and it might just be that I’ve gotten my anxiety meds back on track but I think it’s only part of it – I have felt so normal the last few days. I’ve been sleeping better, I’ve woken up in a better mood, I’ve smiled, I’ve laughed, I haven’t taken ANYTHING too personally.

I’ve even taken a fresher look at those situations. My family – they’re not going anywhere. They’re going through a rough patch and we’re all growing up and things are gonna change. But that’s ok – because ultimately they’re still my family and they’re still here for me no matter what, even if it’s not in the same way as when I was a kid.

And those old friends? Well, I tried reconnecting with one – and got completely shut down. And for the first time in a long time – it didn’t hurt. It was closure; it was my chance to try one last time and be certain that moving on was the right thing to do. And it is, for everyone involved. There’s no use wasting my time on someone who won’t give me the time of day. And I’m happy to say that I feel very healthy and calm about it – almost relieved. But also for the first time – I wasn’t bitter or angry or upset about it. I was just done.

Another old friend – we’ve been making more and more time for each other lately, and we’ve reconnected a lot. It’s been really nice, and been really positive for both of us.

I’ve had so much fun these last few days, even when I was in the middle of a crazy work week and fighting off a cold. I’ve gotten to know some people better, reconnected with other ones and most of all, reconnected with myself. I’ve enjoyed the time that I’ve had to myself instead of feeling bad that I’m the only one I have to hang out with. Life, I’ve decided, is not about seeking out meaningful moments. It’s about making any time you have, whether it’s by yourself or with the ones you love, the times that mean something to you. It’s about finding the enjoyment in the little things, and making sure you’re not placing too much importance on things that aren’t worth it.

I just feel good. And I didn’t want to write about it too soon because I didn’t want to jinx it – but it’s been around for a few days now. And I hope this mood isn’t going anywhere, but somehow I feel like it won’t matter, because I’ll make it good if it doesn’t want to be.

That is a battle you just have to take one day at a time. Making it good because YOU want it to be, not just because it already is.

january 11. coming to terms with adulthood.

•January 11, 2012 • Leave a Comment

So, this is kind of hard for me to admit, but I hate everyday that I can’t go home and see my mom. Or my dad. Or my siblings. I hate that I can’t go back and appreciate more the time that I had before I moved out. I was so independent, or so I thought, but I didn’t realize how completely dependent I was on just having the option of that home base until I left for school.

It’s honestly something I can’t even think about without tearing up, which is so unlike the person I know myself to be. But that person also hasn’t been me for awhile because I’ve been completely inept at dealing with the fact that my childhood is over.

It’s not the growing up and doing my own thing that scares me so much – I am excited about the life I am building and look forward to really coming into my own. But I’m also afraid that the problems I’m having with growing up are going to hold me back if I don’t work through them.

Ultimately what scares me is that I feel more vulnerable now than I ever have in my whole life. I was emotionally ripped apart last year and because of my not wanting to be a burden, I didn’t tell my mother until the whole thing was said and done. My mother is my best friend in the entire world, and I felt like I couldn’t tell her.

It’s not her fault. But she’s become a different person now, and it feels less like I can rely on her as a motherly figure and have to rely on her more now as a friend, as an equal. When I was younger, that was all I wanted – to be equal to this amazing, incredible woman. But now I just want to be able to sob into her hug about how lost I feel and how much I miss feeling safe and protected.

Because I didn’t lean on my mother, I started to lean on friends more – and then those so-called friends actually TOLD me I was being a burden. So that was that.

But the scariest part of all of this is, I never needed this kind of support before. I always had it, but maybe because I knew it was there, I didn’t need it. Now I feel like I need it more than ever and I barely get it.

Even with the cop – he’s sacrificed so much for me, and there’s so much that I don’t understand about what I’m going through, that it’s hard for me to put that burden on him. He would go to the ends of the earth to make me feel better, but how can he help when I’m not even really sure how to start?

I just feel like my life is moving too fast all of a sudden. All I wanted in high school was to get to college, and all I wanted in college was to get to “real life”. I was so busy making plans and trying to make those plans happen that I’m terrified I didn’t enjoy it the way I was supposed to. And now, with all of this weird stuff in my head that I can’t work out, I’m terrified I’m missing out on my day-to-day. Does that make sense? Well then how do I fix it?

I know it’s cheesy when people tell you that there’s a song that perfectly describes how they feel, but this time there really is:

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t but honestly won’t someone stop this train

See once in a while when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
’til you cry when you’re driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take this speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
Cause now I see I’ll never stop this train

I know I can’t slow down time, or change the past, or go back and appreciate things better. But now I have to figure how to get back to zero and appreciate NOW better. Learn to live in the moment again, and stop stressing so much about trying to live in the moment. I have to stop worrying if someone’s disappointed in something I’ve done, or assuming someone stopped liking me just because they were short with me. I have to get back to being the person that’s comfortable in her own skin, confident in what she has to offer the world and who can be a little more self-reliant. I have to stop being bitter at the people who weren’t willing to give me the support that I needed and go find the people who can. I have to stop taking the blame from people who deserve it and I need to speak up more even when people tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. I feel like I am still this person 70% of the time, but it’s in those quiet places, when it’s just you and your thoughts, that the terrified, angry and hurt part of me comes out and takes over. But I have to remember – I have a lot more support than I think I do. I just have to be okay with taking it again.

january 9.

•January 9, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Sorry it’s been a few days… I’ve been in a weird mood.

I have days where I can’t explain my mood. I wake up feeling discouraged and not wanting to do anything. I go to work and I spend probably too long reading irrelevant news articles before settling down to do my work. I am restless. I feel tired and moody and then I get angry at myself for feeling tired and moody when I don’t really have a reason.

So when I woke up on Friday for the third day in a row in this mood, I was not happy about it. I was restless all day at work, and a misunderstanding just completely set me off. So I talked to a co-worker about it, who cleared up the misunderstanding, and then somehow got me to tearing up in her office about how I feel lonely.

And it’s not in that way where you feel lonely because you’re bored and everyone else has plans. It’s a completely different situation.

I pushed a lot of people out of my life in 2011. And while it was fully deserved – two people in particular broke my heart more than I ever believed a friend could – it has left me feeling incredibly lonely, even before I was unemployed for three months.

A person who used to be one of my dearest, most cared for friends is now engaged to one of the people who I pushed away. And obviously, she was collateral damage.

She was the first person in a long time who was just there to talk to. We didn’t spend much time together, but we went to lunch occasionally and since we were both then at jobs where we weren’t engaged, we chatted online a lot. She was the first person I told when my relationship nearly fell apart last fall, and she understood. So how is it that she’s getting married to someone who was crueler to me than probably anyone I’ve ever known?

It really sucks. I occasionally check her Facebook page and see that she’s set a date for her wedding, or gone dress shopping, and of course I can’t be privy to any of this. We’re friendly, sure, and I’m ridiculously happy for her (honestly), but she knows how I feel and it obviously creates a chasm between us that can’t ever be overcome by just the two of us.

I have another friend who was also there for me for many years, but in the last two years or so we’ve grown farther and farther apart and it’s been harder and harder to keep in touch. I’ll try to make plans and won’t ever get a response; occasionally I’ll get a text about something random and irrelevant but it rarely ever leads to a real conversation. I’ve been told I shouldn’t take that personally, but honestly…how do you not?

I do have a couple of good friends, and a lot of sort of casual friends that I chat with on Twitter and have lunch with and those sorts of things – but I haven’t had a best friend in a long time. And to me, that’s so weird.

I’ve always had a best friend. Someone who I could count on to answer the phone whenever I needed to talk, and someone who would always be up for grabbing a drink or just hanging out and watching a movie. But all of a sudden it seems, the standards for friendships have fallen and everyone just wants casual touch points and not solid, dependable pillars. Or maybe everyone else already has one and I’m just late to the game.

But at some point, it starts to take a toll on you. It’s like when you’re in high school and all the girls have a date and you don’t…what’s wrong with you that you don’t have a date? What’s wrong with me that I haven’t been able to really connect with a friend who can be consistently depended on?

My co-worker says it’s the timing. Part of this is true. I do have two great girlfriends, whom I love dearly. But one has a very demanding job that constantly requires her to disappear from society for months at a time – we see each other when we can and have a fabulous time. The other lives 30 minutes away and we can really only get together maybe once a month. So it’s not quite what I need. 

Don’t get me wrong – the cop is fabulous. He knows me better than anyone, and loves me in spite of all my quirks, all my insecurities, all my neuroses. And he is amazing. But he’s not a girl, and honestly you can’t bitch about your boyfriend TO your boyfriend. I mean you can, but then that turns to fighting which is usually what I’m trying to avoid by bitching to someone else.

So have I made you feel sufficiently sorry for me yet? Definitely not my intention. I just feel like this is another negative side effect to growing up. Sometimes you find yourself without many people to lean on, and it came at a really shitty time when ALL I needed was someone to lean on. So now I just feel a little raw and a little jaded and a little bitter. Maybe still angry too, much more at the former friends who should’ve been rather than the acquaintances that could be.

So what do you do? Normally I’d buck up and say the whole lot of you could go to hell. I’d do my own thing and naturally gain friends in the process, along the way. But somewhere in the last year I got so wrapped up in the other bullshit that I forgot what “my thing” was. So how do I get my mojo back? How do I find a friend who won’t run away when shit gets rough? 

january 3 – some inspiration from work.

•January 3, 2012 • 1 Comment

I had an interesting first day back at work for 2012. As much as I love my job, I was dreading going in – and even ended up running a few minutes late for our sales meeting (it’s normally on Mondays). But one of my bosses is reading this book – I think it’s called something like Success Principles – and was sharing some insights with us. For example – apparently you’re already 40% more likely to actually achieve a goal you set simply by writing it down. So, she said, if you can already be ahead of the game just by writing it down, why not write it down? Hopefully typing it in a blog counts.

Goals are quantifiable – they’re not just things you want to try to do better. You have to be able to measure your success. So here are a few goals of mine for the next few months.

  • Lose thirty pounds.
  • Drop two dress sizes.
  • Eat out only once per week.
  • Walk at lunch at least three times per week.
  • Walk the dog at least three times per week.
  • Drink 64 oz. of water every day.

All of these goals are weight-loss and health-oriented, but they’re much more achievable than just “eat healthier” or “exercise more.” Not only do the goals tell me exactly what I have to do, but they tell me how I can easily measure my success.

I think goals are really important – and using smaller goals to mark your achievement towards larger ones help keep your motivation high. And motivation is especially hard to find when we’re all recovering from a holiday break.

Another thing she reminded us of: you can’t change what happens to you. But you can change how react to what happens to you.

That’s one of the things I want to work on in 2012. I don’t have to be Superwoman, or act as though nothing bothers me, but I can be better about how I handle it. I don’t have to get myself wrapped up in the negatives or worry about things that I can’t change. That’s the difference between something making you stronger and something making you fall apart.

So today I decided that since I couldn’t change that I had to go to work when I didn’t feel like it, I’d change how I reacted. I even tweeted that it was going to be a good day because I was going to MAKE it a good day – and it was. I got a ton of work done, and even got some kudos on my work.

Changing how you react to your life and achieving your goals have something in common – they’re things you have to work at and take one day at a time. Every thing in life is easier to deal with when you take it one step, one hour, one day at a time.

Let’s just hope I can remember that when things come up that seem bigger than one day.

january 2 (& some “stop” resolutions).

•January 2, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I am very happy to say that my beautiful Gamecock football boys got it done today – our very first 11-win season. I have been a Gamecock fan for a long time now, and I consider myself really lucky to be witnessing such a great era in Gamecock sports. Gamecock Nation is an amazing group of people and some of the most rabid fans you’ll meet. I love it…and I’m totally depressed that it’s another nine months until Williams-Brice lights up again.

Anyway, it was overall a pretty good day – had a good afternoon with a few friends watching the game, then came home and FINALLY de-Christmas-ed my house. But now, alas, it’s time to get back into a routine, and I’m already tired. So I won’t ramble on too much today, except to pass on some great wisdom I found from www.marcandangel.com, a great website I just discovered with lots of articles to make you think.

A lot of resolutions are to start things – start eating better, start going to the gym, start doing something different or better or more. Mine are usually start resolutions – I don’t have many vices and the few that I do are mostly healthy. But sometimes we forget that just because they’re not physically unhealthy, we do a lot of things to ourselves that aren’t healthy for our well-being. So here are thirty things we should stop doing to ourselves – and I’m guilty of almost every one. Guess I’ve got a lot of work to do in 2012.

  1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
  2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
  3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
  4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
  5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
  6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
  7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
  8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
  9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
  10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
  11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
  12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
  13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
  14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
  15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
  16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
  17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
  18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
  19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
  20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
  21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
  22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
  23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
  24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
  25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
  26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
  27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
  28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
  29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
  30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

You can view the full post here.

I plan on reading this every single day for the next few weeks. More than anything, it’s my “stop” resolutions that will be the hardest to stick to – but they’re the ones that will do me the most good. Hopefully if you’re guilty of these you’ll stop doing them too. Have a great night, friends.

january 1.

•January 1, 2012 • Leave a Comment

On a lighter note than the first post…

The Change-Up is a actually a good movie. I’m always surprised when a seemingly exhausted premise turns out to have a heart in it somewhere. Plus, I find it good to watch these sorts of movies with the cop. That way he knows when we’re married that anything but 50-50 on dealing with the baby at 3 am gets him a swift kick to the hip, regardless of what time either of us has to be up in the morning. The cop is really a sweetheart, though, so I don’t really need to worry.

Last night was a ton of fun. I got to spend the evening with a great friend of mine, and we started off the night with an absolutely amazing dinner at Cellar on Greene. I’d never been there before but had heard wonderful things about it… oh, how I wish I’d taken pictures of the food we ate. Next time I talk about a meal, I promise I’ll have pictures.

Anyway, we each had a few glasses of wine and their three-course dinner NYE special, and let me tell you – every bite was amazing. The duck confit quesadilla, with roasted red peppers, basil pesto and a horseradish sauce, was absolutely heavenly. Then I had the veal skirt steak and lump crab roulade – basically lump crab rolled instead the most tender cut of meat I’ve ever eaten, with some sort of really great sauce and mashed potatoes and green beans. And even though I was entirely too full from delectable food and wine – the seared poundcake was the cherry on top. Lighter than I thought it would be, the poundcake had a slightly caramelized crust on the outside, drizzled with a tiny bit of caramel sauce and served with a dollop of whipped cream and two slices of strawberry. Ah-ma-zing. Honestly, I was so full that I was really glad for the walk from Cellar down to 5 Points Pub. We attempted to see a friend’s band play, but the cover charge combined with the sight of a certain ex-friend made us want to leave and go somewhere else.

Because the both of us are so deliriously happy with our relationships, my friend and I tend to forget sometimes that when we go out just the two of us, we’re probably going to get hit on. After all, we are young, vivacious women completely oblivious to the men in the room, and usually the boys can’t hold their liquor as well as we can. So last night, while we’re sitting on a couch in Bey’s (yeah, I know, don’t judge), this guy plops himself down in between us and introduces himself. My friend and I sort of stare at each other, and since I have just enough wine in me to have lost any sort of filter, I respond to his “hey there, how are you,” by telling him that we both have boyfriends. He laughs and tells me I’m very forward. I tell him I know. I like it that way.

Then the guy STAYS.

Rather than being creeped out I’m just amused – he tells us he’s on break from med school in Philly (to which I ask him why he’s partying in 5 Points of all places), and that he went to UNC undergrad. Somehow we get to talking about college sports, at which point he tries to tell me that a) UNC is the “REAL Carolina” and b) that college basketball is better than college football.

Even at my most stone-cold sober I am one of the most ferocious South Carolina fans you will ever meet. So with just a touch too much wine and my amazement at his audacity, I proceed to argue the finer points of my opinion about the Carolinas and college sports until I decide I’ve won and he walks away.

I really find moments like that entirely too amusing – and that’s when it totally pays off to be as forward as I am. Girls who pretend they agree just so they seem more attractive…that just really does not sit well with me. I want to know if you can stand toe-to-toe with me, so pick something that’s not politics or religion and let’s chat.

Anyway, so after an awkward moment where we discover the guy is at Bey’s with an old high school classmate of my friend’s, we head over to Garibaldi’s for a champagne toast. The cop was patrolling in 5 Points so he got to meet us over there just in time to kiss me at midnight. Yay! I was going to head over to Main Street for famously hot shenanigans, but as I tend to be an old lady after midnight I decided it was time to go home.

I got to sleep in today for the first time in a very long time – the new job and the holidays have kept me very busy. But it was such a nice day. Even though I didn’t feel too well during the afternoon, we ran some errands, tidied the house and then cozied in to watch a movie and eat dinner. It was so nice to have a weekend we were both off and not doing things for the holidays. As much of a fanatic as I am about Christmas – I am always SO glad when it’s over. It’s kind of like coming back from a vacation – you’re bummed the vacation is over, but it’s always really nice to get back to your house and your normal routine.

Tomorrow I get one more day to sleep in – yay for observed holidays! And then it’s time for one last Carolina football game of the season. Time to get that eleventh win…hopefully we’ll have a W to celebrate in tomorrow’s post!

looking back.

•January 1, 2012 • Leave a Comment

You know what’s funny?

I sound a hell of a lot more arrogant when I write than when I speak (at least I hope that’s the case).

They say you write how you speak, though, don’t they? God I hope not. Because I just deleted two very old posts from the original iteration of this blog that were about who I am and where I was as if it were a 1950s sitcom. And that’s just weird.

I’m going to be honest here – this blog isn’t for anyone else. Sure, I’d love if people read it – but this time, I’m blogging for me. All I’m trying to do is figure this life out – and January 1 sounds like a great day to start.

I’ve had a shit couple of years. My parents split and sold my childhood home. I found out things that nearly destroyed the relationship with the love of my life. I was in a job that I hated, and then even that got pulled out from under me. I rang in 2012 with a lot less friends than I did 2011 – actually, no. That’s not true. I rang in 2012 with the same number of friends I had before, and just got rid of the bullshit. And that was all just 2011.

And for someone who normally prides herself on letting things roll off her back – I got really wrapped up in all of it. After a really blessed first twenty years of life, all of a sudden it was just hit after hit after hit. And all I wanted to do was to go back home to my parents’ house and let them handle it all again.

I’m not handling this whole growing up thing very well. In fact, I’m absolutely terrified. But that doesn’t mean a damn thing, because I’m 23 and this is my life. And I am SO sick of letting the bad stuff define it.

I am really, REALLY lucky. I have an amazing family who is always there for me, even when we fight. I am living with the most incredibly patient, kind and loving man I will ever know. I have a great new job with people who don’t make my day suck at a place that I don’t dread going to every Monday. And even though there aren’t many, I do have a couple of really close friends. Plus, a lot of newer friends that may become closer as the year goes on.

But the problem is, somewhere along the way I’ve gotten so bogged down in the bullshit, and trying to fight the inevitable fact that I just can’t predict how things are going to work out that I have just lost sight of what’s real and what’s important. I’ve wanted so badly for other people to help pick me up, and been so hurt and angry when they failed to even try, that I’ve forgotten how to do it myself.

Well, it’s time for a damn change. And yeah, everyone says it, this is the year they’re going to lose weight or quit smoking or whatever and then they’re back at their same old bullshit by February 1. I would know – I’ve said it every year since I was old enough to give a damn about my figure.

So screw that. This is my life, and it’s about damn time I got back to owning it. I took steps today, even, to take back a little piece of what’s mine in this world and hang on to it. That tiny, happy little shiny place that today was – I want to make every day like that.


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