So a funny thing happened the other day.
A lot of these early blog posts have been depressing. I’m not apologizing – it’s stuff I absolutely needed to get off my chest – but I understand it might not be the most pleasant thing to read. But I promise, today’s a different post.
I woke up the day after writing that last post… and I just felt different. I felt lighter, I felt more at ease – even though I woke up with a cold.
I think I have kept those last two posts – about my family and old friends – bottled up inside me for so long, without really talking to anyone in detail about it, that it had just become overwhelming. And then I got it all out, uncensored and unfettered and it felt AMAZING.
Seriously – and it might just be that I’ve gotten my anxiety meds back on track but I think it’s only part of it – I have felt so normal the last few days. I’ve been sleeping better, I’ve woken up in a better mood, I’ve smiled, I’ve laughed, I haven’t taken ANYTHING too personally.
I’ve even taken a fresher look at those situations. My family – they’re not going anywhere. They’re going through a rough patch and we’re all growing up and things are gonna change. But that’s ok – because ultimately they’re still my family and they’re still here for me no matter what, even if it’s not in the same way as when I was a kid.
And those old friends? Well, I tried reconnecting with one – and got completely shut down. And for the first time in a long time – it didn’t hurt. It was closure; it was my chance to try one last time and be certain that moving on was the right thing to do. And it is, for everyone involved. There’s no use wasting my time on someone who won’t give me the time of day. And I’m happy to say that I feel very healthy and calm about it – almost relieved. But also for the first time – I wasn’t bitter or angry or upset about it. I was just done.
Another old friend – we’ve been making more and more time for each other lately, and we’ve reconnected a lot. It’s been really nice, and been really positive for both of us.
I’ve had so much fun these last few days, even when I was in the middle of a crazy work week and fighting off a cold. I’ve gotten to know some people better, reconnected with other ones and most of all, reconnected with myself. I’ve enjoyed the time that I’ve had to myself instead of feeling bad that I’m the only one I have to hang out with. Life, I’ve decided, is not about seeking out meaningful moments. It’s about making any time you have, whether it’s by yourself or with the ones you love, the times that mean something to you. It’s about finding the enjoyment in the little things, and making sure you’re not placing too much importance on things that aren’t worth it.
I just feel good. And I didn’t want to write about it too soon because I didn’t want to jinx it – but it’s been around for a few days now. And I hope this mood isn’t going anywhere, but somehow I feel like it won’t matter, because I’ll make it good if it doesn’t want to be.
That is a battle you just have to take one day at a time. Making it good because YOU want it to be, not just because it already is.